Sofa Scratch Furniture Outlet is proud of its returns policy, which is simple, friendly and almost never used. We answer common questions below.
Can I return a sofa that has been scratched?
Yes. All of our sofas are scratched. If you return one, we will be happy to refund your money and offer you a different scratched sofa. We believe this is fair.
Can I return a sofa that has been scratched by my own cat?
Yes. We will take it back and examine the marks. If they match your cat’s claws, we will sell the sofa to you again at a lower price, now described as Personalised.
What about cushions that have been kneaded?
Our Cushion Set of Four, Kneaded, is sold already kneaded. This means it cannot be returned for being kneaded. It can be returned for being too kneaded, if you can demonstrate that the cat has done more than the factory.
Do I need the original packaging?
The packaging is not essential, as it was almost certainly claimed by the cat on the day of delivery. If you do have it, please return it with the cat inside. If you do not, please send a photograph.
What if the sofa is still occupied?
- Please wait until the cat leaves
- If the cat does not leave, please call us
- If the cat answers the phone, please hang up
- If the cat has been there for more than a week, it is a feature
How long do I have to return?
You have thirty days. After that, the sofa is considered fully integrated into your home and cannot be returned without a hearing. The hearing is held in our showroom, before a panel of cats, and generally ends in a nap.
Will I get a full refund?
You will receive a refund of the purchase price, less a deduction for wear. In most cases the deduction is one hundred percent. We call this the Honesty Clause.
Can I speak to a manager?
Our manager is a cat named Ottoman. He is available by appointment. His diary is full of the same appointment, labelled Sleep. If you would like to speak to him in person, we advise you to bring a snack.
Is this policy real?
No. This is a parody business, and no real returns will be accepted. If you have a real sofa to return, please contact the real shop that sold it, and bring the cat as a witness.