At the Outlet we are often asked how to repair a scratched sofa. We answer this question daily, with a sense of tired generosity. Here is our guide to reupholstering a sofa that is still in use, by a cat.
Step one: remove the cat
This is the hardest step. The cat is attached to the sofa by a bond of loyalty and warmth. Attempt to persuade her with a treat, a toy or a calm voice. If this fails, move the sofa. If the cat moves with it, you have discovered a different problem.
Step two: remove the old fabric
Use a staple remover and patience. The old fabric will come away in strips, and underneath you will find a layer of wadding, a layer of regret and a small collection of coins. Set the coins aside. They are a bonus.
Step three: inspect the frame
Check the wooden frame for cracks, splits and teeth marks. If the frame is damaged, repair it with glue and clamps. If the frame has been entirely removed, you may need a new sofa.
Step four: choose new fabric
- A tight weave, which is difficult to hook
- A flat finish, which is unexciting
- A dark colour, which hides marks
- A pattern, which provides distraction
Do not choose velvet. We have said this before. We say it again.
Step five: attach the new fabric
Pull the fabric tight over the frame and staple it in place, working from the centre outward. Fold the corners neatly. Trim the excess. Stand back and admire your work. It is perfect. It will remain perfect for eleven minutes.
Step six: the cat returns
The cat will enter the room. She will examine the sofa. She will walk once around it, as a farmer might walk around a new field. She will then jump onto the arm, stretch out one paw and make a first, tiny, thoughtful scratch. This is called the Opening.
Closing advice
Reupholstery is a rewarding craft. It takes skill, time and a strong belief in the future. We admire anyone who tries. We also keep a stock of replacement covers, in case.
This guide is a parody and should not be mistaken for a real upholstery manual. Our own methods rely mostly on staples and denial.