FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Sofa Scratch Furniture Outlet today announces the launch of its newest product, the Anti Scratch Sofa, which has been designed to resist cats. The sofa, known as the Defender, is covered in a patented fabric that is said to repel claws, discourage chewing and offer a stern look.
Background
For years, the Outlet has sold furniture that has been enjoyed by cats. In response to customer demand, we decided to develop a sofa that cats could not enjoy. The project was led by our Head of Research, a cat named Ottoman, who tested every prototype by sitting on it and giving a mild shrug.
Features
The Defender includes:
- A tough woven surface that feels like a scouring pad
- A built in warning tone, which sounds like a kettle
- A tilted cushion that slides gently towards the floor
- A faint smell of citrus, which cats dislike and humans mistake for a lemon cake
Test results
Initial testing was promising. The first cat to encounter the Defender walked around it three times and left. The second cat sniffed it, looked at the first cat, and also left. The third cat did not leave. The third cat scratched the sofa for forty minutes and fell asleep inside the cushion. We have recorded this as Inconclusive.
Statement from leadership
‘The Defender is the finest sofa we have ever produced,’ said Sir Clawson Davenport, founder. ‘It is robust. It is elegant. It has lasted nearly an afternoon.’ He then added that the first test sofa had been destroyed within the hour, and that sales of replacements were going well.
Availability
The Defender will be available in four colours: Charcoal, Slate, Ash and Weathered. All colours match the scratch marks that are expected to appear within three days. Delivery will be made by a driver who has agreed to carry the sofa without eye contact.
Guarantee
Each Defender comes with a three year guarantee against everything except claws. This includes fire, flood, rust and attention. Claws are not covered, as the Outlet regards them as part of the family.
About Sofa Scratch Furniture Outlet
Sofa Scratch Furniture Outlet is a parody business run by cats. We offer quality furniture, pre loved by claws, to customers who do not wish to be disappointed. No real sofas will be shipped. The Defender is a joke, and the cat knows it.